Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Sparkly cupcakes & feral rages

The birthday celebration didn't go to plan - it was like a repeat of Xmas although we tried not to overwhelm Chrissy with new experiences. She kicked off at dinner time as usual as I served her favourite meal, burgers but this was more extreme. Not sure why - over-excited? As she pulled her hair out & writhed around screaming on the floor I wanted to weep. She's been in hospital for 15 months now &, after initial improvements in her behaviour, she has reached a plateau. The long-awaited meds changes still haven't been made. It just all seems far too long drawn-out & I'm having sleepless nights over it again.

Chrissy appeared to get over her first outburst but started again after she'd finished her burger. I'd made cupcakes & decorated them with flowers, glitter & butterflies but Chrissy wasn't impressed. She wanted '2 cakes' & because she's overweight we only gave her one cut in half - a ruse that often works. We couldn't console her by putting one cake in her bag to take back to the hospital either. She went into a violent rage. She threw & smashed a plant pot, & screamed & self-harmed (pulling hair out, banging heels hard on floor, biting & pinching herself) for over half an hour. I looked at her at one point & felt hate - but that was quickly replaced by pity, despair & a whole host of other emotions that these feral, violent rages invoke in me.

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